Goldilocks Revisited

by Michael Z.R. and Bobby X.R. Gottlieb, June 12, 2004

Once upon a time there was a family of bears who lived in a small cottage in the woods. There were three bears in the cottage: a father bear, a mother bear, and a little baby bear. Now one day, the mother bear made some porridge and called the father bear and the little baby bear to the table. However, the little baby bear didn't come, and when the mother bear came into his room she saw that he was playing a game on his computer.

"Well that does it!" she screamed. "You can play these stupid games whenever you want, but if you're not going to get any exercise or even come to breakfast we won't let you play them!" And so the mother bear forced the little baby bear to take a walk with her in the woods, and she also brought along the father bear.

While the bears were gone, a fat girl called Goldilocks opened the door (which was unlocked, for the bears did not think anyone else would be walking around in the woods) and came into their cottage. At once, she saw the three bowls of porridge: a large one for the father bear, a medium-sized one for the mother bear, and a small one for the little baby bear. She tried the father bear's porridge, but it was too hot, so she dropped the spoon. She then went to try the mother bear's porridge, but there was a fly in it, so she didn't eat any. Then she tried the little bear's porridge. This porridge was just the right temperature, and so she tried some. Unfortunately, just about at that moment Goldilocks realized that she didn't like porridge, so she threw the porridge out of the window.

Then, Goldilocks walked into the next room. There were three chairs here: a large one for the father bear, a medium-sized one for the mother bear, and a small one for the little baby bear. The large chair was so high that Goldilocks couldn't even get into it, so she tried the medium-sized chair. However, the medium-sized chair was so soft that she sunk into it and had to fight for her life to get out. Goldilocks looked at the little chair and thought it would fit her, so she sat on it. However, she was so fat that she couldn't squeeze into it, so she picked it up and threw it against the floor.

After that, Goldilocks walked up the staircase and saw three bedrooms, each with a bed: a large bed in the father bear's bedroom, a medium bed in the mother bear's bedroom, and a small bed in the little baby bear's bedroom. Goldilocks tried to get on the father bear's bed, but it was a waterbed, and Goldilocks didn't like waterbeds. Then she tried the mother bear's bed, but this bed was really bouncy, and Goldilocks kept bouncing off. Finally, Goldilocks tried the little baby bear's bed, which very closely resembled the bed that she somehow lost a few months ago. She got in it and fell fast asleep.

Now, it was about this time that the bear family came home. The little baby bear was the first to notice that something had been changed. "Look mommy!" he cried. "Someone has ate my oatmeal!" The mother bear told him that it was actually porridge, and not oatmeal, but she still didn't know where it had gone. The father bear noticed that the window was open, but he didn't say anything because he thought that the mother bear would hit him.

After that, the three bears went into their living room to sit in their chairs and watch the baseball game. The father bear sat in his large chair with a six-pack of beer and a large tub of popcorn, and the mother bear sat in her very soft chair to try to fall asleep so she didn't have to watch the game. The little baby bear, however, noticed that his chair had been broken. "Mamma!" he yelled. "Someone has broke my chair!" But the mother bear was asleep, and the father bear was too busy watching the game to care.

Many, many hours later, when the baseball game finally ended, the father bear woke the mother bear up and told her to go upstairs to go to sleep. The three bears went upstairs to go to their bedrooms. The father bear fell into his king-sized waterbed and immediately started snoring, very loudly. The mother bear jumped onto her bed and bounced around for a while before also starting to snore. The little baby bear was just about to jump into his bed when he noticed a very ugly blonde fat girl sleeping in it.

So the little baby bear called the father and the mother bear (and the police as well) to come into the bedroom, and when all of the bears were standing over Goldilocks she woke up. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!" she screamed. "There's a spider on the ceiling!" And, quick as a lightning bolt, Goldilocks jumped out of the window and ran all of the way home, not even stopping outside the ice cream shop.